


Be Careful With My Heart

by flAl23



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Angst, Eventual Happy Ending, M/M, Minor Character Death, Pain, Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-02-04
Updated: 2013-08-17
Packaged: 2017-11-28 05:14:56
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 14,842
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/670669
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/flAl23/pseuds/flAl23
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Louis and Harry have been married for the last seven years. Tragedy struck early in their marriage and things were never quite the same since. This story is about their struggle to pick up the pieces of their shattered life and finding their way back to each other.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

It was still dark out when he opened his eyes. Louis looked over to the other side of the bed and his eyes fell on his husband of seven years. Harry was still fast asleep, the dim light from the streetlights outside softly illuminating his outlines. Louis could still make out his thick curls and the way his hands splayed beneath his face as he slept.

 _He is so beautiful_.

The thought popped into his head as he slowly trailed his fingertips over Harry's face. He lightly traced the tiny spot over his cheek where his dimple would be and continued inwards to his lips. _Harry's lips_. God, how he went crazy over them when they first got together. He could barely looked at Harry talking without dirty images streaming through his mind. Louis remembered the first time he met Harry. It was quite some time ago but to Louis, it felt like it was just yesterday. Louis was tagging along with a friend to crash a party at his apartment building held by some famous music producer. Crashing a party wasn't Louis' idea of a great Friday night but his friend was insistent and he finally caved. As they entered the party, loud music was playing and people were milling about in various postures and positions, one hand on a drink, clearly intoxicated. Louis had trouble manouvering through the crowded halls, what with his height being a major disadvantage. He wasn't exactly _tiny_ , mind you, other people were just too tall. He had just managed to pass through two large-built men wearing what he hoped was their last year's Halloween costumes (because frankly that many glitters on a person should be illegal, let alone two) when he stumbled and fell onto the floor. If there was ever a point in Louis' life that he wished the ground would open up and swallow him whole, this would be it. Luckily for him, everyone else were probably too inebriated to noticed his tragic downfall. He muttered a curse under his breath and slowly turned to see what he tripped on. His eyes rounded, it wasn't a _what_ but a _who._

Sitting before him was the most beautiful boy Louis had ever laid eyes on. His skin was pale and smooth even under the harsh lighting of the hallway and _those lips_...Louis was at loss for words on how to described those lips. He probably looked like a flailing fish still lying on the floor where he fell, mouth gaping in awe.

“You okay there?” The boy grinned as he hovered over Louis and held a hand to help him up. “Sorry about that. I just got tired and sat down for a bit. Didn't think I'd be in anyone's way.”

Louis urged his mouth to say something... _anything_ , but words seemed to have temporarily vacated his mind. He just stared at the hand that was still held in front of him.

The boy, seeming not to notice Louis' discomfit, just shrugged and sat back down next to him and nudged him with his shoulder. “You know what would be the perfect pick-up line right now?” he said. “Hey baby, did it hurt?”

“Wh-what?” Louis managed to splutter out.

“You know, when you fell out of heaven...” The boy winked and laughed. “I'm really sorry. That was a terrible one. I'm Harry by the way. I swear to you I'm usually not this dorky, except I probably am but you don't have to know that now.”

“Lo-louis,” Louis can't seem to get his mouth to function correctly. _Damn Harry and his fantastic lips._ “I'm sorry too. I usually am this clumsy though.”

“Perfect,” Harry smiled. “My kind of person then.”

 

That was it really. The instataneous connection Louis felt for Harry was unlike any he has ever experienced before and has never felt with another person since. They exchanged phone numbers that night and the rest as you could say was history. They fell in love hard and fast, moving in together after only 3 months of dating and Harry proposing on their one year anniversary. Of course Louis had said yes, it just felt right with Harry. They got married the following year at Harry's childhood home in Holmes Chapel. It was a small event but damn if it wasn't the happiest day of their lives. Louis still cannot rid the silly grin that appears everytime he remembered the look on Harry's face when they said I dos. His face was a cross between the biggest grin he could muster and wanting to bawl his eyes out and Louis thought it was perfection. Louis did cry after the ceremony though, _he was just too overcome with happiness_ , only to have Harry take his hands and kissed each fingertips until all Louis could do was leaned forward and kissed the stray tear that escaped down Harry's cheek.

They decided to start a family via a surrogate within just six months of marriage. They both always wanted kids and what better time than the present? They got a close female relative who was willing to be a surrogate and got the process rolling. Nine months later they were welcoming home twins, James Edward Tomlinson-Styles and Darcy Lilian Tomlison-Styles. Between Louis and Harry, they have never discussed the identity of James and Darcy true biological father, whether they were Harry's or Louis'. They just didn't feel the need to. All they understood was that the babies were theirs and when other people question the twins' origin they just smiled and answered in unison, _ours_.

They settled into domesticity quite well. Louis quit his job as a teaching assistant to care full-time for the twins and Harry continued his work as a music producer for a local recording firm. They haven't got money in excess with only a single income in the household and caring for twins, but they made do with whatever they had and made sure the twins were well fed and cared for. Louis was lousy at cooking however so Harry still does most of the cooking for them. Harry doesn't mind. He likes cooking and he felt it was the least he could do after being away at work the whole day. Tried as he may to reassure him otherwise, Harry always felt guilty leaving most of the care of the twins on Louis' shoulders. So every evening, Harry would cook dinner and Louis would sit by him at the kitchen talking about how their day went. Louis' favourite time of the day came after however, when they would tuck the twins in for the night and Harry would settle in the rocking chair, storybook in hand and Louis curled in his lap. Louis would often fall asleep this way, to the lull of Harry's voice and the steady beat of Harry's heart as he read the twins their bedtime story. He felt most at peace during those moments and he sometimes wished he could freeze time and stay like this forever. But when Harry would finish his storytelling and wake him up, tugging Louis' hands towards their bedroom door with that little knowing smile on his face, Louis decided he doesn't quite mind time moving forward. As long as he had Harry and the twins, life was pretty perfect. And he would say that to Harry as his husband proceeded to remove his clothing one by one and Harry's reaction to that sentence was always the same. He would halt midway of unbottoning a shirt or a pants, cupped Louis' face with his large, warm hands and kissed Louis softly on the lips with the murmurs of _I love you_ mingled in between them.

Of course, happiness is always fleeting. And if Louis hadn't learned this lesson before growing up, he certainly was reminded of it that fateful day. He woke up to a cheerful Saturday morning with Harry's warm body still pressed up against him. They made love thorughly the night before and Louis treasured every ache in his body as a result of last night. He gently removed Harry's arms from where it was draped across his waist and tiptoed softly into the twins' room.

It was only a few minutes after but Harry woke up to the sound of Louis' hysterical screaming. He woke up disoriented, his protective senses triggered even before his mind could catch up. He rushed to the twins' room through the adjoining door and there he found Louis clutching Darcy with tears streaming down his face. Louis was a mess, shouting that _Darcy wasn't breathing_ and _she was just fine not two hours ago_ and _goddamit, Harry, call the fucking ambulance_. Everything after was a blur for Harry. He remembered calling the ambulance and bundling James up for the ride to the hospital. He remembered trying to do CPR on Darcy as much as he knew how to only to have Darcy little body remain motionless under his ministrations. He couldn't quite remember the ambulance ride over or the events at the hospital but to this day the clearest picture in his mind was of Louis' reaction when the doctors told them that Darcy had passed. It was as if the light had gone out of him and he crumpled to the floor in a heap of despair. If Harry didn't know before what a broken heart felt like, he definitely did then.

Doctors later tried to explain that Darcy's passing was of natural cause, that sometimes death happens in a healthy baby in what is otherwise known as S _udden Infant Death Syndrome_ but neither Harry nor Louis could accept such vague explaination. Darcy was healthy and had just learned how to laugh the day before. _How could their baby girl be dead? It wasn't possible_.

The day they had to bury baby Darcy was the saddest day of their lives. The mood was so gloomy that even the sun refused to make an appearance. Harry stayed close to Louis and James throughout the ceremony and murmured acknowledgements to close friends and relatives offering condolences. Awkward situations always brings out the worst in people however, so when a family friend attempted to comfort them by saying how lucky they were that only one twin died, Harry did what he thought best for the situation. He punched him in the face.

 

Life after Darcy was hard. They tried their best for James but it was as if with Darcy's passing, large chunks of their hearts got buried with her and they were forever missing the pieces. Gone was the easy way they talked and joked and made plans for the future. The air around them now was heavy with sadness, frustration and most of all, guilt. Harry stopped coming to the twins' room to read and Louis couldn't bear the thought of James growing up without his sister in their shared room so eventually both he and Harry decided it was time for a fresh start somewhere else. Somewhere where the thought of Darcy, and most of all, of her passing didn't hung in every corner.

Of course such places didn't exist, Louis thought. He still thought of Darcy everyday despite it all and Louis was sure Harry does too. Now, here they were in present day, five years after the fateful day, and Louis was still staring at the sleeping form of his husband who had began snoring. James will be six tomorrow. He and Harry are having a party to celebrate. Kids will be filling up their apartment as early as ten in the morning and if Louis knew what was good for him, he'd get some shut eye right about now. But he continued to stare at Harry and couldn't help but noticed the gap between them in bed. It was getting bigger each day. They used to not be able to sleep without each other's arms around one another but that had stopped soon after Darcy passed. They still made love but even that has become less out of passion and more out of routine. If Louis was truthful with himself, he missed the sex they had back then. Back before that fateful day. Back before everything went so terribly wrong. If he was being even more truthful, it wasn't just the sex that was different but Harry as well. And it scared him shitless to admit that even to himself. The fact that Harry was drifting away from him more and more each day and Louis had no fucking clue on how to stop it. _He couldn't lose Harry_ , he thought. _But how do you stop someone from falling out of love with you?_

All his frantic musings must have somehow penetrated Harry's dreams as he shifted in his sleep and his hand that was previously splayed on his pillow slipped and fell next to Louis. Louis gently placed his hand over Harry and whispered one last plea to God before falling asleep with their hands intertwined. _Please never let him leave me._


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Louis and Harry have been married for the last seven years. Tragedy struck early in their marriage and things were never quite the same since. This story is about their struggle to pick up the pieces of their shattered life and finding their way back to each other.

The house was still quite by the time Harry came out of the shower and into the bedroom. From the corner of his eye, he could see Louis' small form under the duvet. He continued watching the unmoving form as he pulled on a shirt and old sweatpants. Louis didn't move one bit throughout. Harry slowly made his way to the bed and pulled down the duvet. Louis was curled around a pillow in fetal position, naked saved for a pair of boxers. Harry sat down next to him and the bed shifted from his weight. Louis looked so peaceful in his sleep. No worry lines marring the forehead or etched in between the brows of his handsome face. Harry wants to forever keep Louis this way. He despised himself for not being strong enough to shield Louis from the devastation that came with the tragic passing of their daughter. Instead, Louis was the one who had provided comfort during those dark times. _And how did Harry repay him?_ He disappeared further and further into himself up to a point that he himself barely recognizes the person he's become.

 _He is weak,_ he thought. _Too weak to deserve the right to Louis' heart. Too weak to be a proper father to James. Too weak for all that is good and safe in this world._

Harry had thought of leaving Louis and James so many times in the past years since Darcy passed. It's not that he had stopped loving them, far from it. He loves them too much to know that they deserve so much better than the shell of a man that he is now. If he leaves, someone else could take his place and be a better husband to Louis and father to James. They were better off without him, that he was sure. And he tried, God knows he tried to walk away from them. But tried as he may, he couldn't. He needed them like the air that he breathes. Louis and James are the only ones tying Harry to this earth and the thought of living without the them makes him question the point of living at all. So he stayed. And Harry hates himself for that.

The pitter patter of small footsteps brought him out of his reverie. He looked over to the bedroom door and spotted James standing there still in his pyjamas. From his mischievous expression, Harry could tell what he had in mind. Before he even had the chance to stop him, James was already flinging himself onto the bed and jumping on the space beside Louis. “Wake up, daddy, it's my birthday!”

Harry bent over to grab James at the same time Louis abruptly woke up causing all three of them to fall from the bed in a heap of tangled limbs and sheets. Harry landed first on the floor with a thud a few seconds before both Louis and James fell on top of him, cushioning their fall. Thankfully no one got hurt from the fall and Louis and Harry let out a sigh of relief as James giggled and slid off of Louis onto the bedroom floor. “That was fun!” he squealed. “Can we do that again?”

Louis looked down at Harry, who he realized he was straddling following the fall, and both of them collapsed into a fit of laughter. Only James would find the idea of falling from the bed funny. They didn't get a chance to tell him no though as James was already scampering out of the room in search of his presents that his parents had kept hidden all over the house the night before.

“He's exactly like you, you know,” Harry smiled up to Louis. “Every little bit.”

“Excuse _moi_ husband dear,” Louis retorted back indignantly. “But I seem to recall a certain curly haired boy whose idea of fun back then was to wake me up at god forsaken hours by jumping on my bed.”

“Yeah, but you _loved_ it when I woke you up.” Harry smirked, his dimples showing. “Especially the _after_ part, I think.”

Louis blushed at the memory. He did disliked being woken up that way but Harry always made it up to him by slowly sucking him after. He would start from his lips, gently traveling down to his chest where he would leave marks all over his neck and collar bones before traveling down further to Louis' stomach. Harry knew how insecure Louis is about his tummy and he would take his time kissing every inch of skin there, just to show to Louis that it didn't matter to him how he was shaped. _He's in love with Louis' heart and no amount of body fat could ever make him feel differently._ Harry would continue on teasing Louis until he was begging Harry to touch him _there_. And Harry would always comply, feeling himself getting near to his release as well because watching Louis desperate and panting for him gets him fucking hard, so much so, that he becomes giddy from it. Louis never lasted long whenever Harry was sucking him off. Harry always knew when Louis was getting nearer to his release. The strings of muttered curses would be increasingly incoherent and he would tug harder at Harry's curls, holding him there, until he was spilling into Harry's mouth. Harry would find his release after, buried deep inside of Louis, feeling Louis all around him as he spilled his seed.

“The after part is the _best_ part, love.” Louis said as he smiled down at Harry. Louis didn't miss the brief look of shock that crossed Harry's face at the term of endearment and he looked so adorably taken aback that Louis couldn't help but bend down and kiss him. It took a moment for Harry to recover from the surprise of it but he too began kissing him back earnestly and _oh, how Louis missed this_. Louis kissed him back as if he was pulling out tiny pieces of Harry's heart with every kiss. As if with each kiss, he would have more and more of Harry's heart until he had more than enough to make Harry want to stay. And that's all Louis wants really, for Harry to _want_ to stay.

The kiss quickly grew more frantic as Louis slipped his hand underneath Harry's shirt, his hands lightly grazing over Harry's chest until he found his nipples and pinched them. Harry reacted by grabbing Louis' bottom with his large hands and pulling their groins flushed together, all the while panting heavily. The delicious sensation of Harry's hard dick underneath him, so near to where he was so _sensitive_ , drove Louis crazy and he couldn't help but ride Harry despite their layers of clothing.

“Louis, so good baby, don't stop-” Harry panted. “The door...James-”

“I want you in me, Harry” Louis moaned. “ _Now_.”

Harry's eyes glazed over at that request and before Louis knew it, he was pulled roughly up, legs wrapping tightly over Harry's midsection with Harry's arms secured tightly around him preventing him from fall. Harry carried Louis this way to the bed and gently deposited him there. A quick scan to the living room revealed James sitting on the sofa in front of the television, too absorbed with the morning cartoons to pay any mind to what his parents were up to. Harry closed the bedroom door midway to allow themselves a bit of privacy and traipsed back to the bed.

Louis was waiting for him there, his eyes so full of love and _need_ that Harry instantly hated himself for being so undeserving of that kind of adoration. He wanted to shout at Louis, _stop looking at me like I'm your motherfucking hero, I'm fucked up, can't you see?_  but those words never managed to leave his lips. Instead he took his anger and turned it againt Louis during their lovemaking. He showed Louis what he couldn't express in words by the angry bites he makes all over Louis' chest and the deep bruises he leaves on Louis' hips. The worst part of it all, Louis just fucking takes it. And when he finally did enter Louis, he would slam into him so deep that sometimes Louis would tear up from the stinging sensation. It wasn't as if they didn't used to have rough sex back then too, but those times were eclipsed with the many more times when they would make love so slowly and thoroughly, it was as though they were comitting the map of each other's body in their minds. Harry couldn't remember the last time they made love that way. He couldn't stand the thought of having Louis shower him with kisses and love when he feels so ashamed and unworthy of them so instead he punishes Louis with angry sex. The irony of the situation did not escaped him.

Harry slammed into Louis a few more times before both he and Louis found their release. Harry collapsed on top of Louis, their breathing laboured as they came down from their high. Louis snuggled closer to Harry, resting his head on his chest, listening to the beat of Harry's heart as it slows down to a normal rhythm. There was a time when Harry's heartbeat used to be the lullaby that brought Louis to sleep. _I love you, I love you, I love you_ the lullaby would go until Louis drifted off in the coccoon of Harry's arms, warm and secure. Now, Louis can't tell what the rhythm to Harry's heart is and the thought alone leaves him heartbroken. _I love you,_ he whispered softly to Harry's chest, his head still turned away from Harry so all that Harry could see was the back of his head. Harry pretended he didn't hear. And Louis pretended it didn't hurt when Harry didnt say it back.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Louis and Harry have been married for the last seven years. Tragedy struck early in their marriage and things were never quite the same since. This story is about their struggle to pick up the pieces of their shattered life and finding their way back to each other.

_Hey Lou._

_Lou!_

_Happy Birthday love!_

_I just wanted to say thank you, baby, for making me the happiest man in the world. I mean it, Lou. When I'm with you, I feel like I want to be a better man. Like I can be a better man._

_I can't wait to spend the rest of my life with you._

_We are going to be so fucking happy together, Lou, aren't we?_

_Aren't we?_

 

“ _......Happy birthday to James!_ ” The crowd chorused together as the birthday boy, who was grinning from ear to ear, puffed up his cheeks and blew out all six candles. The crowd erupted into cheers and both Louis and Harry bent down to kiss James on each cheek as cameras flashed to capture the lovely moment. Louis kept the huge grin plastered over his face as he quickly cut the cake into tiny even pieces. He kept the cool facade long enough for him to distribute the cake to the guests and make his way into the kitchen. He was glad to find the kitchen empty when he entered and he leaned back against the counter and let out a deep breath. Without warning, the tears that he was keeping at bay all through the party rolled down his cheeks. He quickly went to the sink and splashed his face with cold water to calm himself down.

He was supposed to be happy, _dammit_ , his baby boy had just turned six and he couldn't be more proud of the beautiful boy he has grown into. He is everything he loves about Harry and every thing he prided himself on being, all rolled into one. He knew it wasn't possible of course, seeing as James would either be his or Harry's and not both, but most times, he swears he forgets that fact. There were parts of them in James, each blending together to form his personality, from the way he laughs and makes adorable jokes down to the way he can't seem to go to bed without a cup of tea. And it amazes Louis to see so much of themselves in James that it sometimes scares him to think of James possibly inheriting the broken down part of their personalities as well such as Louis' insecurities and Harry's moodiness.

Louis quickly turned the tap off and grabbed the kitchen towel to pat his face dry. It was no use, the tears were still falling down and the more he tried to hold on to them, the more they seemed to fall. As much as he wanted to be happy and celebrate James' birthday, the day was also a cold reminder that Darcy was supposed to be there celebrating her birthday too. Images of Darcy kept flashing in his mind until Louis finally gave in to his emotions and slid down onto the kitchen floor and began weeping. _Why did you leave daddy, angel?_

“Louis, honey,” a soft female voice sounded near him. Louis' head shot upwards from where it was hiding in between his knees and came eye to eye with Harry's mother, Anne. Surprised and embarrased, he hastily got up from the floor and wiped his eyes.

“Anne, oh god, I wish you didn't have to see me like this.” Louis smiled despite his still wet cheeks. “I, uhm, was cutting some onions just now and a bit got in my eye, so-”

“Louis, it's alright dear, you don't have to explain,” Anne said, her expressions soft and understanding as she pulled him into a hug. “It's me, you don't have to explain.”

Louis buried his face in her neck and burst into fresh tears. Of course, he didn't have to pretend. Harry's mother was like a second mother to him. She and Louis' mom had took over most of the care for James during the intial weeks following Darcy's passing. They had understood even without being told, how much Louis and Harry needed time to process their daughter's death. And eventhough Louis knew how horrible this particular logic sounded, they needed time to grieve her passing _away_ from James. Because James was alive and breathing and Darcy was not, and though Louis and Harry hated themselves for having such thoughts, James was a constant reminder at how much they had failed their daughter.

Louis felt another arm wrapping around Anne and him and he turned to find his mother, eyes already wet with tears enveloping them both in a bear hug. Louis felt like he was transported back to when he was five years old again, safe in his mother's arms, away from the harsh world. He felt so warm and loved in the embrace that his mind immediately wandered off to Harry and how he must be coping with today. He surely must be thinking of Darcy and needing comforting too. _He needed to find Harry._ A rustling sound interrupted his thoughts and he looked up to see Harry standing in the doorway as if Louis had somehow summoned him just by thinking of him. Harry's presence was still unknown to the two mothers and Louis was about to gesture for Harry to come nearer when his hands stilled as he saw the look of pure anguish in Harry's eyes. He was startled by the raw pain he saw in them and before Louis could even say a word to stop him, Harry was already backing out of the kitchen and disappearing into the halls.

It was almost dusk by the time the last of their guests left. James had fallen asleep on the couch after an exciting day of fun and games and Louis loathe to wake him up for a bath just yet. Instead, he gathered up all the dirty dishes and began piling them up in the dishwasher. He was putting the last of the dishes away when Harry suddenly appeared at the doorway, two large trash bags in both hands.

“I'm going to go throw this out for a bit but when I come back can we talk?” Harry queried, his expression serious. “There's something I've been meaning to say.”

“Su-sure,” Louis replied, slightly taken aback by the serious tone. “I just need to give James his bath and we'll talk after. What about?”

Harry only looked straight at Louis, his expression unreadable as he replied, “Later.”

 

_Hey Lou._

_Do you remember when I said the happiest moment of my life was our wedding day?_

_I lied._

_The happiest moment of my life is whenever I'm with you...anytime, anywhere, anyday._

_I love you, baby, promise we'll stay together forever._

 

Louis has never seen Harry as nervous as he was tonight. He was sitting at the edge of their bed opposite Louis, fidgeting with the covers as he avoided Louis' eyes. Louis was about to make a joke to ease away some of Harry's nerves when Harry suddenly blurted out, “I want you to date other people.”

Louis eyes rounded. That was the last thing he'd thought would ever come out of Harry's mouth. Actually, it was something he _never_ thought would ever come out of Harry's mouth. Louis couldn't think. He felt like his world was being flipped sideways and Harry was responsible for every bit of the chaos. He was shaking as he grabbed Harry by the front of his shirt, forcing Harry to look him in the eyes and said, “That's not funny, you idiot.”

“I'm not making a joke,” Harry replied slowly, his eyes again avoiding Louis'. “I'm serious. I want you to date other people. I want you to find someone who can make you happy, something I've failed miserably at doing these past few years. You're unhappy, I'm unhappy. We've stopped functioning together Lou, eversince Darcy died. It's as if you and I are running parallel lives these days, always side by side, but never meeting anymore.”

Harry exhaled, seeming to surprise himself with that confession. Louis just sat there, dumbfounded. “One day Lou, you're going to wake up and hate me if we continue on this way. You'll be bitter and I'll hate myself for making you so and we'll end up fighting a lot. I don't want James to have to go through that. It'll do a number on him like it did me and you when we were little with our own parents.”

Louis just stared at Harry. _How long had Harry felt this way about their marriage? About him?_ Tears were already glistening his eyes but he refused to let them fall. “Are you saying you want a _divorce_?”

Harry literally winced at the word and for the first time tonight Louis could tell that Harry was not entirely unaffected by the idea of their marriage breaking up. In fact, Harry looked almost sick to his stomach at the thought and it gave Louis a tiny bit hope before it was cruelly extinguished when Harry said, “That depends on you Lou. I'm going to give you time to find the right person. Hell, I even have a person in mind who I think would be a perfect fit. This guy, Liam, from work. Good lad, fit too. Responsible, sensible, charming, everything I'm not basically. You can try dating him for a bit and by the end of it, if you see a future, I'll back off and-”

He didn't managed to finish that sentence as Louis was already tackling him down and beating him over the chest repeatedly. Louis may be smaller than Harry, but he made up with strength with what he lacked in size. “Fuck you, Harry. I don't want you to fucking back off! I want you to fight for me! Fucking fight for us!” Tears streamed down his cheeks and his visions were beginning to blur but he continued beating down on Harry's chest. “What's this shit about? I don't bloody get you! Are you saying you want to leave me? Leave James?”

Harry struggled to get a hold of Louis' arms, trying to calm him down but to no avail. He felt his own tears forming, knowing how much he is hurting Louis with his horrible admission. He had to keep his composure though or he would end up not following through with this. And he _needed_ to see this through, for Louis' and James' sake. Even if it meant Louis hating his guts for it. “I-...Lou-...Calm down,” he gasped out in between Louis' punches. “I don't want to fucking fight for you anymore okay!”

Louis frozed at that, his face slowly turning a sickening shade of pale. He could feel his heart shattering into tiny million pieces, so small that he knew it would never be able to be whole again even if Louis had managed to find all the pieces and glue it all back together. _Oh, how he regretted not being more cautious with his heart._ He basically had handed Harry his heart in a silver platter and Harry had crushed and stomped on it as if it was worth nothing. _As if he was worth nothing_. He slowly got off of Harry and stumbled out of bed and stood shakily.

“I never thought you'd be the one to break my heart, Harry Styles,” Louis chuckled sadly after a moment, shaking his head in disbelief. “I loved you with everything I've got and everything I am. I still do. And you...you just gave up.”

Louis took one last look at Harry, grabbed the car keys and left the apartment.

_You promised me forever._

_You lied._


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Louis and Harry have been married for the last seven years. Tragedy struck early in their marriage and things were never quite the same since. This story is about their struggle to pick up the pieces of their shattered life and finding their way back to each other.
> 
> Warning: This Chapter may be slightly triggering.

Louis has been wandering the street aimlessly for hours. Despite having the keys to their Range Rover in hand, he decided to forgo driving and opted to walk to clear his head. Plus, he didn't think driving in his current state of mind was recommended. In his haste to leave however, he had forgotten his phone and wallet which now reflecting back probably made the idea of not wanting to drive entirely ill-advised. He is cold and tired and he's pretty sure he had slipped on Harry's shoes by mistake in his hurry to leave causing him to drag his feet while walking as Harry is twice his size. The night was shaping up to be one of, if not the worst, night of his life. He just can't catch a break with life, it seems.

So it was no surprise when he had ended up buzzing Zayn's door at 2 am in the morning looking like somethig the cat dragged in. Zayn was the only friend he had known pre-Harry with whom he still kept in contact with. He used to be such a social butterly back before he met Harry and had never lacked for company or parties to go to. He met Zayn through a mutual friend, bonded over football and theatre, briefly dated for a few months before realizing they suited better as best friends more than boyfriends and that's how they had stayed since. They went on to date other people since then but they always managed to find their way back to each other even if it is just to lament on their dating lives, or lack there of.

Then Louis met Harry and _everything_ changed. Without meaning to, he made Harry the center of his world and let everyone and everything else just fall away. Friends started to drift away and invitations began to dwindle but Louis didn't care. It's hard to care when he is just _so happy_ and all he wants to do is spend every minute with this one person who makes him happy above all others. After the twins came, Louis and Harry were still able to squeeze in a date or two but after Darcy died, Louis practically fell off the radar, never venturing out for any reason except to the local grocery store or dropping James off at school. He and Harry stopped going on dates, even choosing to spend their anniversaries dining in on whatever special gourmet dish Harry prepared. Louis always thought that it was enough, that _he_ was enough for Harry. He thought wrong apparently.

Through all that, Zayn has managed to stay within the small circle of Louis' life. They may only meet up a couple of months or so, usually at Louis' apartment or just the nearby coffee shop, but when they do, it never feels like any time has passed. There's never any awkward _'How are you?'_ or stupid talk about the weather or long unfilled silence. It's Zayn and Zayn is comforting and familiar and probably the only person in the world Louis would not be able to bullshit about his true feelings. Zayn would see right through his fake smiles or decipher the sadness that lies beneath the bright tone of his voice. Louis appreciates that about Zayn. It's nice to have someone see you instead of the act you put up for the world.

He could see the light was still on in Zayn's apartment so he knew that he was still up. He felt bad about barging in on Zayn like this but _fuck_ , he was tired and cold and he just needed someone to talk to. It took a moment but Zayn eventually came on the speaker in a voice laced with confusion, “Hello, who's there?”

“It's me,” Louis said in a voice so small that he wondered if Zayn could still recognize him.

“Louis? _God_ , it's 2 am in the morning. What the fuck are you doing out?” Louis could hear the concern in his voice even through the speaker followed by, “Come on up first.”

Louis took the stairs two at a time to Zayn's apartment on the second floor. Zayn was already waiting at the door when Louis reached the landing. He took one look at Louis' dishevelled state and was about to voice out his worry but it was immediately cut off when Louis collapsed into his arms and started sobbing uncontrollably. His words were muffled as he kept his face buried in Zayn's shirt but Zayn heard it loud and clear. _He's leaving me, Zayn,_ Louis brokenly whispered. _He's leaving me_. Zayn's heart broke for his friend and continued holding him tighter wishing that somehow it could make the pain more bearable. But he was deluding himself if he thought he could stop Louis' heart from breaking into tiny million pieces. Harry was Louis' whole world, they have a kid together and Harry wants to _leave_ Louis? It was _insane_ and he swore the first thing he was going to do after getting Louis settled is find Harry and beat some sense into that man.

But first things first, he's got to take care of Louis.

 

_I hope I'm not a casualty_   
_I hope you won't get up and leave_   
_Might not mean that much to you_   
_But to me it's everything_   
_Everything_

_Why are you singing such a sad song, Lou?_

_It's not a sad song, Haz. It's a love song! It's about truly, madly, deeply loving someone with all your heart._

_Yeah, but the person singing is wondering if his lover would up and leave him cause it doesn't mean that much to his lover, right? Isn't that sad?_

_Well, sometimes people do leave, Haz.They fell out of love and leave. It happens._

_That sucks that it does but you won't have to worry about that happening, Lou._

_Why is that, love?_

_Because I love you more than I know how to and even if one day you somehow stopped loving me, you're still stuck me with me cause I can love you enough for the both of us._

_Oh Harry...Come here and give me a kiss. I think I just fell in love with you all over again._

_Gladly._

 

“Feel better?” Zayn queried after wrapping Louis in warm blankets and making him a cup of tea. The color has returned to Louis' cheeks and he was no longer sobbing but Zayn knew he was far from feeling better but he asked anyway.

“Much better,” Louis cracked a smile despite his tears but the smile never quite reached his eyes. “I'm sorry for barging in on you like this but-”

“Nonsense,” Zayn cut him off. “I won't have you apologizing, okay?”

“Okay,” Louis replied gratefully.

They sat in silence sipping their teas, Zayn's arm comforting around his shoulders and Louis really wants to tell him everything that had happened but every time he tries to remember, the memory of last night comes flooding back, ugly and hurtful, and his throat wells up before he could get any words out. _It hurts to remember._

“You don't have to tell me anything,” Zayn said and held up his hand when Louis tried to reply. “Not if you don't want to. I know enough for now and the rest will come later. Or maybe not. Whatever and whenever you feel like telling me is fine. I'm here for you, Lou. That's all you need to know.”

Louis wondered how he got so lucky to have a friend like Zayn. “I'm so-sorry. It hurts too much right now and I want to tell you, I d-do..,” He took a deep breath to calm himself because his next words feel like daggers through his heart. “H-harry's leaving me and I-I-...I don't know what to do...I need to get James and oh god, I don't want to see Harry...it's too s-soon...”

“Shhh it's okay,” Zayn pulled him tighter and let Louis' head rest on his chest. “You and James can come live with me. We'll go get him first thing tomorrow morning, okay?”

“Okay,” Louis' replied pulling Zayn tighter. “Don't know what I'd do without you...”

“You'll never have to find out, love,” Zayn squeezed his arms.

“That's what Harry used to say too.”

Zayn had no reply for that.

 

It was 7 am when Louis woke wrapped up in Zayn on the couch. He kept wanting yesterday night to be a nightmare but waking up to Zayn beside him instead of Harry was a cold reminder that yesterday did happened and the throbbing pain inside his chest was probably never going to go away. He quietly got up, not wanting to disturb Zayn, and went to the bathroom to wash up. Several minutes later, he was having a staring competition with the telephone. He needs to catch Harry before Harry goes off to send James to school so that he could tell him that he was going to be the one to pick James up and send him to school and that James is going to be staying with him for now but having that conversation in his head was so much easier. Before he could think too much about it, he dialled his house number and waited for Harry to pick up.

It wasn't Harry who picked up but James, sounding almost like he is crying, “He-hello..”

“James darling, what's wrong?” Louis is beginning to panic. “Why are you crying? Where's papa?”

“Dad-ddy, come home q-quick,” James was full-blown crying right now. “I don't know what's wrong with papa. He's on the bathroom floor. I-I can't wake him up-p...”

Louis felt his heart slammed against his chest. _This can't be happening. He wouldn't...Not Harry. Not Harry. Not Harry_. His heart was fluttering like mad and he felt his chest tightened but he quickly told James that he would be right home in a few minutes and for him to stay in his room till he does. He hung up, woke Zayn up and within minutes they were driving at breakneck speed to his apartment. On his way, he dialled for an ambulance to meet him at the apartment and something in the call felt eerily familiar and left his heart heavy.

Then he remembered all too well. The last time he made this call, his baby daughter died.

Louis used up what's left of his strength to not break down there and then.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Louis and Harry have been married for the last seven years. Tragedy struck early in their marriage and things were never quite the same since. This story is about their struggle to pick up the pieces of their shattered life and finding their way back to each other.
> 
> Warning: I suck at writing smut.

_Seven years ago..._

The day could not have turned out more perfect. The weather is unseasonably warm despite it being only early spring in Holmes Chapel and the sky is startlingly clear with thousands of stars glittering the evening sky. Harry had not been able to stop smiling today. It is his wedding day and the expression of one's bursting at the seams with happiness could not ring more true for him at the moment. His gaze searched across the room and fell on his husband who he had vowed his undying love and devotion to just a matter of hours ago. His heart made a little flutter. _His husband_. Oh, how he loved how the word tasted rolling down his tongue. The word felt so final, so irrevocable, so _his_. Harry had always felt an unhealthy amount of possessiveness when it came to Louis. He wanted everyone and anyone to know that Louis is _his_ and _his alone_. Today felt like he had done just that. Like he had gone and stamped Louis across the chest with the words _Property of Harry Styles_  and in a way he did, because somewhere, there was a little piece of paper that officially claimed that Louis is in fact, his alone.

Louis is, at present, having an enjoyable time slow dancing with his mother, even throwing his head back and letting out a loud laugh at one point. The sound so sweet and lovely in Harry's ears. Harry thinks he just fell twice more in love with Louis. He wanted to dance with Louis for all the dances tonight but alas, they were pulled apart by their respective mothers, demanding that their sons dance at least one dance with them. Harry and Louis had chuckled at that and dutifully did as they were told.

“I know you just got married, Harry, but really, it won't do to stare so much at your husband,” his mother's teasing voice sounded near his ear. Harry snapped his attention back to his mother, to whom he had been dancing the last few dances with and sent her an apologetic smile. “Sorry, mom, I was just....distracted.”

“I can see that,” her mother grinned and kissed his cheek. “I'm so happy for you, love. I hope you know what a rare thing you both have together. It only happens once, maybe twice in a person's lifetime. To some people, maybe not at all. Never take it for granted, baby.”

“I can't imagine ever feeling this way about another person, mom,” he replied solemnly. “I won't ever take it for granted because all I need is this _once_...just this, forever with him.”

Anne's eyes teared up at that and she pulled Harry closer to her, wondering when did her little baby grew up to become this mature, wonderful man.

 

“May I have your attention, everyone?”

Louis looked up from where he was talking with a few of his childhood buddies to find that Harry had took to the stage. The band was taking a much needed rest after hours of playing so it was only Harry up there, a guitar on one hand and a solitary stool nearby. Louis shot him a curious look but Harry only grinned back, pretending not to understand the question. All around the crowd grew quiet and focused their attention on Harry.

“Hello everyone,” he started off with a smile. “Thank you so much for being here and helping us celebrate our happiest day. We could not have been more blessed with such warm and loving people to call our family and friends. Truly.”

The crowd cheered in response and Harry continued, “As many of you probably know, I'm not one for public speaking but I thought, just for tonight, I'm going to make a go at it. I have,” he paused fo a bit, as if thinking. “...so many things inside my head that I need to say but they're all jumbled up and I can't possibly express it without making a fuc-, _sorry_ , fantastic mess of it. But _these words_ , they need to be said. And if my words are inadequate, maybe this will help.”

With that he sat down on the lone stool, righted his guitar and stared directly at Louis. “This is for you, Lou.”

_I wanna make you smile whenever you're sad_  
_Carry you around when your arthritis is bad_  
_All I wanna do is grow old with you_

Louis' heart practically grew twice its size upon hearing the first few bits of the song. _He remembered_. They had gone for the classic dinner and movie on their first date a year ago and Louis had insisted that they watched _The Wedding Singer_ which was screening at this small movie theatre which offered audiences old but excellent movies from as far as back as the sixties. It was Louis' favourite place in the city and it was his first time bringing along a date to the place. He supposed Harry was a special case, even then. He had gone misty-eyed during the part of the movie where Adam Sandler sang this song and had pronounced jokingly to Harry that he was going to dance to this song at his wedding. Harry had only smiled at that. Louis didn't think for once that he would kept it in mind after all this time. His eyes started to water. _  
_

_I'll get your medicine when your tummy aches_  
_Build you a fire if the furnace breaks_  
_Oh it could be so nice, growing old with you_

_I'll miss you_  
_Kiss you_  
_Give you my coat when you are cold_

_Need you_  
_Feed you_  
_Even let you hold the remote control_

The crowd errupted into laughter at that and Louis chuckled though his tears.

_So let me do the dishes in our kitchen sink_  
_Put you to bed if you've had too much to drink_  
_I could be the man who grows old with you_

_I wanna grow old with you_

Harry got up, the crowd's cheers almost deafening in the night, and walked off the stage towards Louis. As Harry drew nearer, Louis wondered, how a person as lovely as Harry could possibly exist. Harry extended a hand to Louis and pulled him to the center of the dance floor where the beginning of their song is being played again, courtesy of the band.

Louis looked at Harry in the eyes as Harry lead them slowly around the dance floor. “Love me.”

“I do.”

“Okay.”

Harry kissed him on the cheek, “Okay.”

 

It is their wedding night. Louis doesn't know why he is as nervous as he is right now sitting on the bed in their honeymoon suite. _It's not as if they hadn't slept together before_ , he thought exasperatingly to himself, wishing to rid himself of the little blushes he makes whenever Harry even slighly looks at him. _God, this is embarassing. Stop blushing like a virgin, you idiot._

Harry stood at the edge of the bed opposite Louis, oblivious to the inner turmoil inside of Louis' head. He crawled to the center of the bed and pulled Louis onto his lap and pecked him lightly on the lips, “Hello, love.”

Louis felt his nerves dwindling tremendouly. This is Harry. _His Harry_. There was no reason to be nervous.

For a while, Harry is quite as he held Louis close to him as Louis placed small kisses all over his face and neck. Louis began teasingly nibble at Harry's bottom lip and Harry groaned before flipping Louis over so that he had Louis pinned underneath him, their bodies aligned from chest to knee. Louis loves the delicious weight of Harry on top of him and he tugged at Harry's hair, deepening their kiss. His hands pulled the hemline of Harry's shirt from his pants and slipped underneath to touch his flat abdomen. He felt Harry's muscle twitching reflexively to his feather-light touches. Louis' hands inched at the opening of Harry's pants and snapped it open before palming Harry through his boxers.

Harry let out a loud moan and he quickly chucked all of his clothings off and demanded Louis do the same. Within seconds they were both naked, fumbling into the bed, eager to be with each other as if this was their first time. Their only time. Louis had pictured in his mind his wedding night many times before and each time he had always imagined them making love slowly throughout the night, taking their time reveling in each other's presence. But tonight is nothing like that. Tonight is fast and eager and _exciting_. One minute Harry is pressing bruising kisses all over Louis' chest, the next thing Louis knew, Harry's lubed fingers are inside him prepping him open. Louis had lost all coherent thought as he rode Harry's fingers, wanting them deeper, wanting _more_.

“Harry, I'm ready-,” he gasped as Harry's fingers hit a particularly sweet spot. “Want to ride you...now.”

Harry flushed face nodded his assent and he laid on his back and let Louis straddle him. Harry is so aroused and hard, his dick lay almost flattened to his stomach, dark red and leaking precome. Slowly but surely, Louis guided Harry's dick inside him and it is all Harry could do not to thrust upwards all the way in. _It just felt so fucking good._

It took a while but Louis eventually bottomed out. Louis loves the feel of Harry so thick and full inside him, _branding him_ , even days after. Pretty soon, Louis was bouncing up and down Harry's dick. Harry pulled Louis' neck down to meet him for a kiss even though there weren't so much kissing as gasping against each other's mouth.

“Louis-,” Harry moaned a warning seconds before he was spilling inside of Louis. Louis followed not too long after spilling onto Harry's stomach. Louis collapsed onto Harry as Harry pulled out slowly before gathering Louis close and kissing the top of his head. Louis rested his head on Harry's chest, listening to the frantic pace of Harry's heart as it eases back to its normal rhythm. After a while, he lifted his heavy-lidded eyes to face Harry and smiled, “I can feel your heart beating.”

Harry had his eyes closed but opened them upon hearing Louis' voice, “I can feel yours, too,” he replied as he gently weaved his fingers through Louis' sweaty hair, pulling them back from his face. “Do you hear it though?”

“Hear what?” Louis strained to hear for any noise in the dead silence of their room.

“The rhythm my heart is singing,” Harry replied pulling Louis' hand to his heart, a smile playing at the corner of his lips. “Listen. _I love you, I love you, I love you._ Do you hear that? You. Always you.”

“Oh Harry, you idiot,” Louis couldn't help but lean down and kiss Harry. _God Help him. He was married to a hopeless romantic._

“Love me,” Harry whispered against his lips.

“I do.”

“Okay.”

Louis rested his head back on Harry's chest, listening as his heart play the same rhythm over and over again, never tiring or changing. “Okay.”


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Louis and Harry have been married for the last seven years. Tragedy struck early in their marriage and things were never quite the same since. This story is about their struggle to pick up the pieces of their shattered life and finding their way back to each other.
> 
> Warning: This Chapter may be slightly triggering as well.
> 
> This chapter is especially dedicated to the many readers who left comments/encouragements through AO3/Tumblr. Without your kind words, this fic would never have made it past chapter one. Thanks a lot!

A loud beeping noise cut through Harry's haze-filled mind as he slowly surfaced from the restless dream. He willed his eyes to open but his eyelids felt like someone had plastered them close with ducht tape. He's pretty sure he's having the worst hangover of his life. _How much had he had to drink last night? God, he swears he won't drink again if only the ringing in his head would cease._

He was just about to push himself up from the bed when he suddenly felt his whole world tilted and steadying hands were grasping his arms, motioning him to stay put. _What the fuck?_

“Woah there,mate,” an unfamiliar male voice pierced through Harry's dazed state and he focused his eyes to catch who the owner is. His eyes met blue eyes so deep it was like the ocean in winter. Funny how despite the coldness of the color, the eyes are strikingly warm in their depth. Harry tried to wiggle out of this man's grasp, feeling nervous and out of his element. _Who is this guy and where is he?_ He thinks. _These aren't the blue eyes he usually wakes up to._

The more he struggled though the tighter the hands were on his arms, pushing him down. Rough voice heavily tinted with irish-accent filled his ears as the man said, “Calm down, Harry, you're safe. You're at the hospital. I'm Niall, the nurse in-charge. I need you to stop struggling.”

Harry's mind reeled at the explaination. Thousands of questions raced through his mind as he processed the information. _What the fuck happened? Why is he in the hospital? Is everyone alright? Louis? James?_ He tried to voice his thoughts but his throat felt like someone had shoved tiny needles in it and damn it if it doesn't hurt like hell. He finally managed to croaked out tiny syllables, “Lou-louis..”

Niall nodded to Harry and slowly moved to the side to allow Harry the view behind him. Louis is slumped on one of the plastic chairs, limbs contorted in the most uncomfortable position to fit himself on the small chair. His eyes are closed and he looked like a lost boy in a troubled sleep. Harry ached to pull Louis down beside him and kiss the worry away from his brows but again Niall prevented him from getting up.

“Let him sleep, Harry,” Niall said as he straightened the pillows behind Hary's back so Harry could sit up better. “Poor guy didn't sleep a wink for two days while you were in the intensive care. Finally got a bit of shut eye now that you're out of the woods and transferred to the ward.”

The words hit him like a douse of cold water. In that moment, memories of the last few days came crashing down on Harry and he remembered everything clearly. He remembered fighting with Louis over his dumb suggestion. He thought he was being fair to Louis but in actuality, he was just being a fucking coward. He remembered Louis leaving that night, taking Harry's heart with him. He remembered drowning himself in alcohol, bottles after bottles, just to numb the pain and when that didn't work, he remembered taking the prescripted pain killers Louis had gotten for his back pain. He remembered thinking, _It's a fucking pain killer right?_ He gulped down a few at one go. _Surely it can relieve the sharp pain tugging in his chest right then. Surely it can fix the hole inside of his chest that Louis had left. Surely it'd be enough at least to just let him breath, just a little bit._

And when that didn't work, he swallowed some more.

What a mistake that had been.

Harry opened his eyes and reached out to grasp Niall's arm to still it. When he had Niall's attention, he croaked out, “James..”

It took a moment for Niall to register who Harry was asking for and when he did, he nodded and left the room with a promise to bring the lad in.

It wasn't James who reappeared at the door though. It was Zayn, looking distinctively like he hadn't slept in days. Harry and Zayn have never been particularly close, mainly because Harry knew that Louis and Zayn have a whole history together apart from Harry and Harry hates having to share Louis, but they were at least civil to each other before. Right now though, Zayn's usually warm brown eyes appear guarded and cold and he didn't smile as he approached Harry.

“I'm glad you're up,” Zayn said as he squeeze Harry's arm but quickly let go. His gaze shifted to Louis who was still sleeping on the small plastic chair and he slowly took of his jacket and wrapped it snuggly under Louis' head to cushion it, petting his cheeks while he does so.

Harry tried to swallow the pang of jealousy he felt upon watching the scene but it lodged somewhere in his chest, leaving it heavy. He knows he doesn't deserve Louis, that Louis could have someone so much better than Harry, but it's hard to tune out the voice inside him that screams _mine mine mine_ whenever he sees Louis with another person. He really is a selfish twat.

He looked up to see Zayn looking at him, his eyes serious. He hated being under the scrunity and forced his hands to stop fidgeting before finding his voice and said, “Where's James, Zayn?”

“With Louis' mom. He's fine. Although he knows you're in the hospital,” Zayn replied. “How are you?”

“Fuck how I feel, Zayn,” Harry replied frustratingly. “I don't bloody care how I feel. I deserved it!”

“Believe me, Harry, I don't give a flying fuck really on how you feel!” Zayn practically shouted. “But you're stupid if you think that whatever you're feeling doesn't affect others. If you hurt yourself, you hurt Louis too. And James. And your mom. I've known Louis almost all my life and I've never seen Louis as destroyed as he was when they had to pump your stomach and...”

Small hands encirled Zayn's wrist, halting him mid-sentence, and he turned to find Louis, eyes awake and pleading him to stop. Zayn let out an unsteady breath, hands shaking with an effort to remain calm. He is so angry with Harry for being so _careless_ with his life but he knows this isn't his fight. He has to let Harry and Louis figure this thing out on their own. He dropped a kiss on top of Louis' head, murmuring goodbye softly in his hair, before taking his leave.

The silence was deafening in the room after Zayn left. Harry watched as Louis made to grab Harry's hand that laid by his side, but stopped himself midway. He wrapped his arms around himself instead, _tightly_ , as if he would fall apart if he didn't hold himself together and Harry felt like someone had sliced a knife through his heart when he saw the gesture. He tried to get up but his head felt heavy and he only managed to lean to his right, facing Louis, who was still avoiding his gaze. “Louis,” Harry pleaded. “Look at me-, God, I c-can't stand you not looking at me. I'm s-sorry, I never meant for this to happen, I swear I wasn't going t-to...I wasn't trying t-to..”

“Kill yourself?” Louis finished for him, finally looking at Harry straight in the eyes. His eyes were already wet from tears but what really broke Harry's heart upon seeing them were how dead they looked inside. Like someone had literally snuffed the light from within Louis and all that is left is emptiness. Harry had done that to Louis. He had finally done what he had promised himself never to do, what he thought he could prevent doing by leaving Louis in the first place.

_He had finally broken Louis._

Tears formed in his eyes as the realization hits and he feels like punching a wall if only he had the strength to. He pretended it didn't hurt when he tried to reach for Louis' hands only to have Louis flinched away. “I'm s-so sorry, Lou. I never wanted to hurt you. Tell me, fuck, tell me how I can make it up to you! I'll do anything you want. Just- god, just...be with me. I need you to be _with_ me..”

Louis face crumpled at that and he buried his face in between his knees, sobbing quietly. Harry couldn't stand it. Louis' muffled cry left Harry feeling like the lowest scumbag on the planet and he really couldn't stand it. He gathered up all of his strength and pulled Louis into bed with him. He could feel Louis tensing at first, but soon relaxed, allowing Harry to be the bigger spoon and snake his arms around him, gathering him close. He tried to make Louis turned to face him but Louis refused and only burrowed his face further in the pillow. Harry rested his forehead in the juncture between Louis' neck and shoulder, breathing in the heady smell of Louis. He can feel the tiny shake of Louis' body as he continue to sob quietly. Harry held him tighter wishing that it was enough to make Louis stop, but he knew it won't. So he continued holding Louis until the soft cries eventually subsides and his breathing evens out, signaling Louis had fallen asleep. Harry soon followed, finally succumbing to the overwhelming lethargy and the drugs flowing through his veins.

When he woke up next, the sun is just peeking through and Louis is no longer by his side. The side where Louis slept is cold indicating Louis must have left hours ago in the middle of the night. Silently, Harry wondered if that side of bed will forever be cold now that he's broken the only person who he wants to warm that side of the bed.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Louis and Harry have been married for the last seven years. Tragedy struck early in their marriage and things were never quite the same since. This story is about their struggle to pick up the pieces of their shattered life and finding their way back to each other.

“...and this, papa, is when I dreamt that we all lived on the moon! And you and daddy were space cowboys!” James motioned excitedly to Harry as he showed Harry the picture he drew during his arts class. In the drawing, Harry and Louis were stickfigures in cowboy hats, floating around in space whilst James was waving at them from their house, which ironically, was bigger than the moon itself. Harry smiled at that and pressed James closer to his side. “It's beautiful, darling. Do you think we can hang this on the fridge?”

“Oh yes! Lets!” James squealed delightedly and wriggled out of Harry's hold and climbed out of the bed. “I'll go tell daddy!”

Harry watched him leave the room with a small smile. He has been home from the hospital for the last week now and not once had James questioned him regarding the day he found Harry lying on the floor, barely breathing. James just accepted Louis' vague explaination that Harry had a bad stomach flu and needed to stay at the hospital for a few days. And for that Harry is eternally grateful. He dreads the day when James will be old enough to understand what Harry had done, albeit unintentionally. He hopes the day would never come.

He settled back on the bed, instantly missing James' warmth by his side. He hated sleeping in the bed alone. He missed having someone to cuddle with. _Screw that, he missed having Louis to cuddle with_. He missed Louis, _period_. Louis, who has been so distant to him since the incident, as if thick walls were seperating them instead of thin air. Louis, who only spoke to Harry in short, stunted words instead of proper sentences. Louis who rarely smiles or laughs anymore.

Harry could not even fault Louis for the way he was behaving. Because other than being completely closed off, Louis has been the absolute perfect husband, taking care of everything for Harry since Harry was discharged from the hospital. He cooked him meals, helped him shower and dress and always made sure Harry took all his medications. He just does it without ever looking or talking to Harry, unless absolutely necessary, and Harry hates that. The one time Harry had tried to make him sit and talk, Louis had stormed out of the room and stayed away, only coming back by dinner time to made sure Harry would be properly fed. Harry hadn't tried again since. Things were already fragile between them as it is and he was afraid that if he pushed too much, Louis would just snapped and realized that Harry was simply not worth it.

Harry knows Louis is angry with him. He knows Louis feels betrayed. He knows it is the reason he is staying away. He knows all this, and yet for the life of him, he cannot figure out a way to not make Louis angry at him. So he sits. And waits. And hopes. That one day, Louis will eventually find it in his heart to forgive him.

Because if there is one thing Harry learned from this whole ordeal, is that he never wants to live without Louis ever again.

 

Louis has been staring at the can of tomato soup in his hands for the last twenty minutes. He had just came back from dropping James off at school and was in the kitchen trying to prepare breakfast. The house is still quite, so Louis thinks Harry must still be abed. Sometimes Louis resents Harry for making cooking looks so easy. Especially when Louis is so terribly bad at it he can't even figure out a way to make tomato soup out of a can. Louis remembered this one time when he got sick and Harry had prepared meals after meals of all his favourite stuff just so Louis would find something he would want to eat. It's a far cry from what he has been serving Harry these last few days.

 _But you're supposed to be mad at him, remember?_ He thinks. _Fuck what he likes. Someone who broke his heart definitely deserved inedible tomato soup from a can._

Louis let out a shaky breath. He's angry at Harry, of course. So, so angry in fact that he's stopped acknowledging Harry's presence in his life. He hadn't talked to Harry, like _properly_ talked to him, for so long aside from the occasional _yes_ and _no_ and _eat this_ that he's pretty sure he's forgotten what Harry's voice sounds like. Or how his head is shaped. Or what color his eyes are.

_Liar._

_You couldn't forget every little details about him even if you wanted to._

_And you don't want to._

 Louis slammed the can on the kitchen counter and ran a hand through his messy hair. He hates hearing the truth, even if it is only spoken inside his head. That no matter how much Harry hurts him and has hurt him in the past, Louis is still deeply, madly and irrevocably in love with him despite it all. And that is what angers Louis the most. How truly pathetic he is when it comes to Harry. Harry was going to leave him before the incident, _hell_ , he probably still does plans to leave Louis once he's better and what does Louis do?

He stays.

He _fucking_ stays.

 

The front door rang that afternoon as Louis was getting ready to go pick James up from school. He sent a questioning look to Harry who was resting on the couch watching television, but only received a confused look in reply. They weren't expecting any visitors and no one aside from their moms and Zayn knew about Harry's state. Louis quickly crossed the living room and answered the door.

Staring back at him was a man in a simple black jeans and blue shirt with the warmest brown eyes Louis had ever seen. The brown eyes were paired with a soft, shy smile and for some reason Louis felt himself smiling back at the stranger. “Can I help you, mate?”

“Hello, there,” The stranger replied, eyes warming several degrees as he introduced himself. “I'm Liam. Harry's friend from work. I noticed he's not been in these last few days and wanted to see how he was doing. You must be Louis?”

“Y-yes, of course, do come in,” Louis nervously shook Liam's hand as he made way for Liam to enter. “We weren't expecting visitors so do excuse the mess-”

“Oh god no, I should be apologizing for coming here unannounced,” Liam stopped him mid-sentenced and thrust a fruit basket in Louis' arms. “Sorry, I, uhm, didn't know what else to get him so...”

Louis accepted the basket graciously with a smile, “Thank you, Liam. You really didn't have to.”

They made their way to the living room where they met a surprised Harry upon seeing Liam. Louis could tell how close they were just by the way Harry greeted Liam with a hug and even though Louis knows he's being ridiculuous, it hurts to see the closeness between Harry and Liam that bespoke years of friendship and yet, he's only ever heard of Liam up to a few days ago. Louis wonders how many more things Harry has stopped sharing with him.

Louis excused himself to go make tea, leaving Harry and Liam to catch up. He was just about to put the kettle on the stove when Liam came in the kitchen, warm smile in tow. “I figured you'd need some help? Harry's told me before that the kitchen isn't exactly your forte.”

“Excuse me, my good sir,” Louis retorted indignantly but the effect was ruined when he smiled. “I'll have you know my son thinks my fajitas are the best in the world. In the _world_.”

Liam laughed at that. “I may need a demonstration of this world-class fajitas someday, y'know, since your only proof of its greatness is a six year-old boy.” He winked.

Louis couldn't help but smile at Liam. He gets it now why Harry is close with Liam. Liam just exudes a genuine all around nice-guy vibe that is pretty similar to Harry so it is understandable why they get along so well. He turned around to pick up the mugs, a fond smile still playing on his lips, when he caught Harry looking at them from the living room and froze.

Harry did not look happy. In fact, Harry looked absolutely disgruntled. He tried to smile when Louis caught him looking but it appeared more like a grimace to Louis. Louis quickly looked away and pretended to listen enthusiastically to whatever Liam was saying. 

Not too long after, Louis could hear Harry calling for Liam to come to the living room. His tone was light but Louis knew him too well to identify the edginess that was laced in his tone. Harry is still angry.

“Y'know, I don't get Harry,” Liam said suddenly, snapping Louis out of his reverie. “He has you, and you're fucking fit. He obviously loves you and I think you love him just as much, and yet, he had this bright idea that I should take his place instead.”

“H-he's told you?” Louis stuttered back.

“He told me last week,” Liam replied casually, as if this conversation was not several shades of awkward. “I didn't take him seriously though because for one thing he's a fucking idiot for wanting to let you and James go and for another, I know how much he loves you and James. He couldn't fanthom me being in the same room with you for a few minutes right now and he thinks he can easily let me take you and James away from him?” Liam shook his head. “I don't get him...the fucking idiot.” 

“Yeah, he is...” Louis feels like crying and he doesn't know why.

 “But you still love him, don't you? The fucking idiot,” Liam smiled understandingly, reaching over to take Louis' hand in him.

“I do...always have and always will.”

“Good, Harry's a lucky lad,” Liam squeezed Louis' hand one more time before heading out to the living room.

Louis wonders whether Harry would agree with that statement.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Louis and Harry have been married for the last seven years. Tragedy struck early in their marriage and things were never quite the same since. This story is about their struggle to pick up the pieces of their shattered life and finding their way back to each other.
> 
> This is for lana, who took the time to pen me such a lovely, encouraging comment when I was down, I couldn't help but owe it to her to start writing again.
> 
> Thank you so much.

It was pitch dark by the time Harry found himself awake in bed, after falling into a restless sleep alone. He found it hard to sleep these days, without Louis' warmth on the other side of the bed. He blinked his eyes a few times before he was able to note that the clock by his bed side reads 3 am. He was sure there was no way he would fall asleep again anytime soon. _Three in the morning is for the lonely people_ , he mused in his mind thinking of a line he read somewhere. _A time for those who loved but are not loved in returned._  

How fitting the sentence was when he thought about it and even sadder was the realization that the person who held his heart in that way was sleeping just in the next room but they might as well be worlds apart.

Harry got up and swinged his legs to the side, rubbing more sleep out of his eyes. _Warm milk_ , he reckoned, _warm milk should put me right back to bed_.

He was crossing the living room to get to the kitchen when he distinctly heard a soft moan coming from the living room and he stood frozen in place. He knew that moan anywhere.

Harry peered over the sofa and sure enough, he found Louis there, tiny body curled on the sofa, lost in a restless sleep. His mouth was hanging open and he was emitting these moans that were both soft and arousing at the same time. Harry felt like a creep standing over Louis, watching as he slept but it would be next to impossible for him to move then. Louis looked like temptation personified with his hair begging to be tousled and lips begging to be kissed and Harry only has so much will power. He missed this, missed having Louis soft and pliant under him or over him or any which way he could have him and _god, he just really miss Louis_. He's even jealous of whatever Louis was dreaming about because it gets to have Louis this way and Harry couldn't even bear the thought of _whom_ Louis was dreaming of because that thought alone could drove him over the edge.

Harry still hadn't moved from his place when Louis suddenly let out a loud moan, _oh oh Harry Harry Harry._  

And just like that Harry was hard. And elated. Louis was dreaming about him. They might have their ups and downs and Louis still can't look at Harry in the eyes in the morning but this means something. Like all is not lost and Louis loves him still. Dreams about him still. And Harry doesn't remember ever being so hopeful.

_I'm never letting you go again._

_So, please, don't let me go._

Louis was still tossing and turning in his sleep, his moans and gasps coming faster and faster and Harry did the only thing he knew how to. He slipped a hand underneath Louis' boxers, curled it around Louis' hard dick which was already wet with sweat and precome and began stroking. It only took two strokes before Louis was spilling over Harry's fingers and into his boxers and Harry was so aroused by the sight that it took everything in him not to climb over Louis and have his way with Louis there and then. Instead, he cleaned and pulled Louis' boxers up again, letting him fall back into a more restful sleep, not once waking up throughout the whole ordeal. The only liberty he took was pressing a kiss between Louis' sweaty brows before straightening himself to a stand. 

 _Don't let me go, okay?_  

_Cause I'm tired of sleeping alone._

  

"Can you help me?"

Louis glanced up from where he was reading his book to find Harry standing in front of him, hair still wet from the shower he had. He blinked a few times trying to formulate a reply because eventhough the dreadful incident happened almost a month ago, things were still awkward between them and conversations were few and far between.

Harry was still staring at him, green eyes wide and clear in the morning light and Louis realized that he was waiting for his reply. "Uhm, sure. What about?"

"I have an appointment with the doctor today and she said she wanted to checked up on a few things," Harry replied. "Said I might be a bit out of it by the end. Could you maybe come with? Just in case I need a ride home?” 

Louis doesn't remember Harry having to go see a doctor today. He was sure he'd remember Harry having an appointment and feels bad that he doesn't. “Oh God, it completely slipped my mind that you have a doctor's appointment today. Must have forgotten to write it down on the calendar or so-”

“No, nothing like that, Lou,” Harry cut him off midway, not wanting Louis to beat himself over it. “Dr. Sara called in and changed the date to today..it's, uhm, a _recent_ change. You didn't do anything wrong...you're perfect.”

Harry's eyes grew serious when he said this and Louis couldn't help but blush under the intensity of it all. He avoided eye contact with Harry because it was the coward's way out and got up, “Best be getting ready then.”

He pretended not to feel Harry's eyes burning a hole through his back.

 

Harry was quite all through the ride to the clinic and Louis let himself be lost in his own thoughts too. It's a nice day to be out and James was coming home today from staying over at Anne's house this last week, so all in all, the day just feels like a nice day. Louis can't remember the last time he had a nice day.

It was so comfortable, in fact, that Louis didn't noticed the scenery changing as they left the busy streets of the city into wider, winding roads with less street lamps and fewer buildings flanking the sides of the road. It was only when he saw them turning at the signage headed for Carrington Beach that it clicked in his mind that wherever they were headed for was definitely not towards the clinic.

Bewildered, he turned to Harry and said, “Harry, where are we going? I think you missed a turn. Or several turns by the looks of it.”

Harry pursed his lips at that but remained silent, his eyes unreadable behind his Raybans. It was a moment before Harry softly spoke, “I love you, Louis. It's impossible to tell you how much. I don't think even you know how much. And I-I, I jus-”

“Harry, why are you saying this? I-I...I don't understand,” Louis stammered, hands already gripping Harry's arm from the side, willing him to stop. “Why are you saying this? Why are you saying it like a goodbye? Are you leaving me-”

“No, oh god no, Lou,” Harry said urgently, pulling Louis' hand into his grasp and placing it over his heart. He pulled the car to a stop and Louis belatedly realized they've reached a quite corner of the beach, where the edge stood high and waves were crashing repeatedly below. He feels Harry tugging him out of the car, his hands tight and secure, as he leads Louis near the edge.

“I'm not saying goodbye Lou,” Harry began, his voice low and rough like the waves below and Louis can see the tears forming in his eyes. “Shit, far from it. I want to stay with you as long as you want me to. I want you, _I need you_ , to know that I never meant to leave you. When that _horrible thing_ happened, even then, I wasn't trying to leave you. I was trying to leave..me. I hated me. I hated myself so much that I couldn't fanthom why you would love me. That's why I suggested that thing with Liam. I didn't want to leave you. I wanted _you_ to leave _me_.”

 “But why, Harry?” Louis searched Harry's face, puzzlement furrowing his brows. Puzzlement and maybe, sadness too. “Why would you feel like that? Why would you hate yourself so much? I loved you. I-I, I still do. Even at your worst, I loved you. Leaving you didn't even occurred to me until you brought it up and even then..”

Louis looked away, had to look away, because tears were already blurring his gaze and he wondered how everything got so fucked up, and how people, who loved each other as much as they do, could have misunderstood their feelings for so long as they have.

Harry slowly cupped Louis' face, forcing him to meet his eyes as he swept the tears away from his cheeks. His eyes were sad, the saddest Louis has ever seen them be. And that broke Louis' heart all over again.

“Thank you, Lou, for loving me,” Harry whispered as he kissed Louis' tear-stained cheek. “Even though I don't deserve it. Even though I know for certain, you deserve someone better...I-I, Th-thank you for staying and loving me.”

Harry pulled him down to the ground and only then did Louis noticed a small, white plaque nestled in between the flowers and grass. Louis wiped his eyes to see it more clearly and what he saw there made his heart stuttered and stopped.

_Darcy Lillian Tomlinson-Styles_

_(2011-2012)_

_My Heart. My Love. My Angel._

Louis felt himself go cold all over and if it wasn't because of Harry's hands grasping him tightly, he was sure he would fold into the darkness of the day again and lose focus of where he was. There was a reason he didn't often visit Darcy's grave at Holmes Chapel near Harry's childhood home. _It hurts_ , he thinks as his heart scrambles to find purchase. _Seeing the reality imprinted on the ground that she's gone, hurts like hell._

“When did you make this?” Louis finally had to ask, because he needed to understand this. Needed to understand Harry. 

“The first anniversary of her death..I was so distraught that day and I-I, I couldn't face you,” Harry answered as he pulled Louis to sit in front of him. “You reminded me of her. She had your eyes and your hair and your smile...and I couldn't stand it. Not because I hated you. God Lou, if you knew how much I love you, how powerless I felt that I let Darcy died, how I let you down..” 

“But you didn't Harry!” Louis was gripping Harry's shoulder so tight, he was sure he was leaving bruises. “No one let Darcy died! She just d-did,” Louis eyes started to water. “It's not your fault. It's no one's fault. Sh-she just died, okay? And I'm not saying it's not sad and I don't hate what happened, but I don't hate _you_ , okay?”

Louis was shaking, hands trembling trying to get the point across. _Harry needs to understand this. He just needs to_. “Do you understand what I'm saying, Harry?”

“Did you know I went back to the hospital after we left the day she died?” Harry was not looking at Louis, ignoring his question, eyes far away and sad. “They called in, you know, to sign some papers and I didn't want you have to go again, so I went alone.”

“Louis, sh-she was, oh god,” Harry covered his face with his palms as though he was trying to hide it from Louis' view. “She was _yours_. Did you know that? She was _yours_. And I let her die. I let a piece of you died. How could I not hate myself after that?”

Harry broke down then, sobbing into Louis' lap as years of pent-up frustration spilled to the surface. Louis sat there numbed, no longer preventing the tears from falling as he held Harry tight. Even with the sadness of the confession, Louis can't help but feel relief flood his senses. For the first time in a long while, he feels Harry's walls breaking down and he is no longer shutting Louis out.

_Come back to me, love._

They sat there for a long while, letting the sun slinked down over the horizon and making way for night-time. Harry was no longer sobbing but Louis still held onto him tight, afraid of letting go. As the sun made its last peek before its goodbye, drenching the whole place in hues of red and purple, Harry pulled Louis to him and kissed him long and slow. Just like he used to. Just like he plans on spending the rest of his life doing just that.

And Louis melts into the kiss and thinks, _this is okay._

_They'll be okay._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're nearing the end of this story, guys. I initially intended for this to be my last chapter but then decided the end felt a bit unfinished. So I'm adding another chapter to this, sort of like an epilogue, and I promise you it will be super fluffy and sweet, you might get toothache after finish reading it.
> 
> I need Harry and Louis to get their proper happy ending :)
> 
> I can't thank all of you enough for reading this and staying with this story despite the irregularities in my updates. I think (actually I'm certain) without all the lovely comments and encouragements, this fic would not have seen the light of day.
> 
> So, thank you. From my heart, thank you.


End file.
